Train would tell you I'm an optimist, if you were to inquire about me. Compared to him, yes I am, though I still have a hard time thinking of myself that way. After so many years of depression and struggle, it's hard to think of myself as an optimist. But like I said, I have to admit that the last couple of years have been pretty kind to me. See below:
April 2012 - Got new job/new career. Moved to new city. Made what seemed like a ridiculous amount of money to me at the time.
July 2012 - Reconnected with my best friend from elementary school.
September 2012 - Turned 30, which wasn't as scary as I thought. Started dating my best friend from elementary school.
October 2012 - Moved to another new city. Made even more money than before. Got a huge 1,200 square foot apartment for free out of the deal.
May 2013 - Moved up in the company. New responsibilities. Less resident contact. This is a happiness.
December 2013 - Went to Hawaii. Got engaged to my best friend from elementary school. Got a new (used) car that is 8 years younger than my child and does not have a massive goat dent in the hood. Also, things work on this car. The windshield defogs in less than 15 minutes (less than one minute, even!). It's really quite amazing.
January 2014 (so far) - Made a budget and a meal plan with my husband-to-be. Found a house to rent that's within our price range. Won't have to live in an apartment anymore. Signing the lease tomorrow night. Also I got a yellow belt in karate.
 |
| Our new front yard, as seen from the driver's seat of my new car. |
We're also planning to get married and go to Bora Bora in a couple of months, so it does not look like this upswing my life is on is going to peak anytime real soon. Which, quite frankly, scares the crap out of me. I'm not used to everything going so well, I'm not used to being so happy, and I'm sort of subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely this cannot continue and something will go horribly and irreversibly wrong. I mentioned this feeling to Train earlier tonight (the pessimist in our relationship) and his response was a dismissive, "Nah, everything will be fine. Just enjoy it."
I am enjoying it, and I'd like to relax, and most of the time I manage to put those thoughts aside and relax, but I have a deep-seated mistrust of anything that seems to be going too well, and right now everything is going too well. My kid is even getting decent grades in school, for crying out loud. Sometimes in quiet moments, I wonder which part of the fairy tale castle I've built is going to come tumbling down first.
Anyone else ever get that feeling, or am I mentally damaged?
